• I don’t know what to believe anymore. It’s really hard having a very logical father who will always find great arguments when I’m trying to ask permission and who can battle down all my reasoning at a snap of a finger. I’m sorry I keep doing things that I know You wouldn’t like me to do. It’s so hard always doing the right thing. And I'm sorry I've been so out of it lately. You know everything I've been going through and even if I don't always go to You, I'm glad You're always still there. You've always been. I miss being in Your loving embrace.

• You’re the best secret-keeper anyone could ever have. Even if I know you have a million other things you’d rather be doing, you still sit listen to me rant about absolutely everything and you still comment and really try to understand what I’m saying even if what’s coming out of my mouth is the most boring and useless thing on the entire face of this earth. You’re the only one who knows all my different moods almost every single time. You’ve been my best friend for the longest time now and though you see every bad face that I have, you’re still on my side.

• I like how we can be not in touch for months and months and still know that we’re there for each. I love how we somehow have this mutual understanding and that even if we don’t talk as much as I’d like us to, I can still always go to you if ever I need anything at all. I really wish we could hang out more often and I wish I could see you more than I do now. You’re going to be really busy soon and I regret not being able to spend more time with you. I miss you already.

• You make me feel really bad sometimes. You don’t intentionally mean to do so and I know that you’ll feel awful and guilty if you knew this, but you just do. I can’t help but feel bad every time we do things behind their back or when I remember their disappointed faces when they found out. And still that horrible afternoon remains. No matter how much I try to bury it or how much I want to erase it from my mind, I can’t. I think this is just one of those times when I’m remember it and see it in a bad light as the cause of much heartache, instead of seeing it as the reason why we’re this close today. Sometimes, you can be really disappointing. Maybe it’s because I expect so much from you and I guess that’s a mistake on my part, but when you don’t do things you say you will or when things don’t go according to plan, I really get disappointed. Where do we stand? I don’t know where we are and where we should be and if you’re actually planning to do anything about it for us to be able to move forward from where we stand now. The guilt is killing me. I thought you had a plan.

• All my life I’ve been trying to live up to all your expectations, but lately, it’s been really hard to do just that. I don’t know why you can’t see that I’m my own person and that I’m actually different from what you want me to be. It’s hard being under your watchful eye all the time, as if I’m always being tested or scrutinized. I don’t have to be like you. I’m just different.

• You’re growing up so fast! I’m one to talk. But still, you are! I’m really happy for you even if other people may have different views on what you’re going through. Maybe it’s coz I know how it feels – I know how you feel. And if it makes you as happy as I think you are, then I support you 100%. Besides, I trust that you won’t be doing anything stupid and I trust that he won’t either because he knows that if he does, then I’m going to come after him with my new dissection kit. I feel kind of bad because I know we don’t hang out as much as I’d like us to, but I guess I can understand why we don’t. Just know that even if I don’t give the best advice and even if I’m not the best listener, I’m always going to just be around, ok? 9 years is a really long time to be close, close, close friends with somebody and I really don’t want the change of scene to make it any different.

• You mean the world to me. I really find it hard to imagine how I possibly lived the first seventeen years of my life without you. I mean, you’re the type of person you realize fills up some empty part in your life which you never knew needed to be filled until it was filled up and somehow, being without you will never be okay anymore. I don’t know how you put up with all my hidden emo-ness and my horrible mood swings. I don’t know why you’re still around even when I can give you the hardest times and put you through so much, which you don’t deserve to go through. Sometimes, I don’t even feel deserving of the love you give me. It’s just so much and so overwhelming that lately, it’s been causing me to drive some certain friends crazy because of the way I text, to start randomly singing love songs at the top of my voice, even when in the middle of class, to stare blissfully into space, to doodle endlessly on my notebooks and to wish I could just take some moments, freeze them and put them in a box which I can just jump into whenever I feel sad. I’ve come to realize that it’s not all happiness. There are tears, anger confusion, fears, but at the same time, there are smiles, laughter, joys and understanding. All of those can happen. And even after everything, I would not take back a single thing. Everything that has happened between us happened for some reason. And us being strong and making it through this, only shows that what we have is strong enough to last a lifetime.

• I think you’re annoying.

• I don’t know what to make of you and your actions. I honestly don’t understand what is it you feel for me. At the start, things were just really awkward between us. Even if you were really fun and funny and a great conversationalist, I still felt like I couldn’t get along with you, no matter how much you tried to make an effort. And just when things finally started to get comfortable around you, it starts getting awkward all over again. I really don’t know why. And somehow, it’s just with you. I’m fine with everyone else. I don’t know what to make of this.

• I know that you’re trying hard to be my close friend again, even after what happened and I appreciate you for trying your best to understand. But please know that it’s so hard for me to open up again to you. I don’t know why you can’t see things from my eyes and I don’t know why it’s so hard for you to comprehend why I did what I did. After all, you have been through what I’m going through now. You said that you’re always going to be on my side, but I honestly think you and he are the enemy in this case and I don’t like that the two of you are. I’m not used to not being able to trust you with certain things and I’m feeling more distant to you than ever. I don’t know how long it will take to make things right again and I don’t know if things between us can get better, but I’m really hoping it does. I’ve known you my whole life and to go on living with this uncomfortable aura between us seems so unbearable. I’m trying so hard to fix this.

• Your friends all the way over here miss you. I miss you.

• It sucks that you’re so far away now. No one can ever appreciate randomness the way you do. It’s weird that you’re not so up-to-date anymore with everything that happens with me and you even find out about them long after they’ve happened, when it’s over and done with. I guess that’s partially my fault. I’m sorry for not being so in-touch. I hate myself for being so busy. But I’m so glad that when we do get to talk, it’s like nothing’s even slightly changed. You’re one of those people I can stop talking to in the middle of a conversation and start up again five years later and everything will still be the same – if we can remember the topic being discussed, seeing as how we both have very bad memory. I hope you don’t do anything that may destroy your larynx anymore. We should go to McDo one of these days and order everything they have (except salad and fish).

• I’m sorry for putting you through so much these past years. Sometimes, I really feel as if I’m not good enough. I feel so undeserving. I’m sorry for tanking you as much as I should for everything you’ve done for me. I’m seriously the luckiest person in the world because you’re in my life and I pity those who will go their whole lives without knowing you.

• I’m sorry I keep brushing you aside and taking you for granted. You’ve always been there for me and I guess I sometimes forget to appreciate everything you’ve done and continue to do. I’m sorry I even get irritated at times, thinking that you’re such an annoyance in my life, when, in fact, you’re nothing like that. I’m sorry for treating you like one.

• You’re not as young as you used to be. You’re not the troublesome teenager you once were just a few years back. I’m really hoping you’ve matured already so that my dad will start feeling comfortable with me hanging out with you more. We actually have a lot in common, more than I’d like to admit. But even with your shady past, I really admire you for so many things. You’re really one of the strongest persons I know. You’ve been through so much and now, you’re still standing, proudly even. Life has thrown you so many trials already it’s even at your most down times of your life, you still pull through with a grin plastered across your face. I don’t know anyone else who’s had to endure so much loss over the course of only a few years and I really think highly of you for being able to put your past behind you and start again. You’ve still got so much more in life to go through, and I hope you deal with everything the way you’ve dealt with the things in your past. I’m always praying for you.

• I feel like we’re drifting apart. Maybe it’s the change into this new phase in our lives. Maybe I’m just being paranoid. But lately, I’ve noticed that we really don’t talk as much and although we’re near each other, we rarely hang out. I see less and less of you as the weeks pass. Talking with you and spending time with you is still comfortable but I don’t feel that sense of closeness we had before and nowadays, I actually start running out of things to talk to you about, which has never happened before. You’re too good a friend for me to lose but I don’t know what I can do to keep the friendship we have as strong as it was before.

• I’m sorry I always get mad at you. I promise I don’t mean to. You just catch me at not-so-great times. I’m trying hard to always be there for you and to understand you even when it’s really hard to sometimes, considering our age gap. I’ll try harder. I promise I will.

• I didn’t realize how much I missed you till you were already gone. We were never actually particularly close and I know I could still have had my “bonding time” with you, but I guess it just never happened. In a lot of ways, I really looked up to you. I admired you for so many things. I really feel it was unfair I never got to know you as well as everyone else did. I regret that I was too shy to even try to get closer to you. I know that He has a plan for everything, but I really wish you didn’t have to go. Our family’s incomplete without you.

• I know that you only want what’s best for me. Only tonight did I realize everything you’ve done to make sure I grow up feeling loved and cared for. I’m sorry for taking it all for granted.

• How everyone sees you is so different from whom you really are. You’re always hiding. And you hardly let anyone in. I don’t know why you can’t see that there are people who care so much about you. You don’t always have to put on that mask everyday. You might not be aware of it, but there are actually some people who can see through your smile. You shouldn’t care so much about those who judge you when you don’t act like your normal self. Those people aren’t worth your time or effort. It doesn’t matter if you do something that’s not something you wouldn’t do. Never hide your feelings. It’s normal to have your down moments. Besides, it is slightly unnatural to be happy all the time. Everyone has something to deal with. 8:59 PM




What's my most waste-of-time movie?

That questions kind of hard for me considering that I think that every movie is a great one. Although, one movie which I think I can place at the bottom of the never ending list of movies I love watching is Mulan2. Even if, in general, I love all Disney movies because I am a die hard Disney fan, for some reason, I didn't enjoy watching this movie as much as I did all the other movies I've seen. There was just something about it that made me wish that I just hadn't watched it. For one thing, I did not like that Mushu in the movie had become the enemy or the "bad guy" since he was my absolute favorite character when I watched Mulan. Another reason why Mulan2 is probably one of my lest least least favorites is because although I don't particulary despise clichés and expected endings, I think Mulan2's plot was just too expected and too much of a cliché. Everything was just so dramatic and so predictable. I do admit, though, that there were portions of the movie that I did like, which is why Mulan2 isn't a movie I'd particularly hate, but I guess, because I loved the first movie so much, I expected to love the second one just as much as I loved the first. I know it probably doesn't follow that just because I'd like the first, I should automatically like the second, but I suppose I just had high expectations for it, so I was really disappointed with its outcome. 7:22 PM




What's my favorite movie?

I honestly don't have one. I never did. I just watch whatever movie's showing in Town or whatever's on HBO or Star Movies. I've never picked any movie as my favorite one. I love watching whatever I feel lik at a given moment. If I feel happy, I watch any comedy or inspirational movie that pops up. If I feel sentimental, I watch some romantic movie. If I'm feeling brave enough, I watch a new horror film. I've never been too picky about movies I watch, and not to sound geeky, but I really prefer reading over turning on the TV to find something new to watch. I honestly think that every movie is good, which is why I can never be one of those movie critics. I'll always think every movie is a great one, even when it most probably isn't. I can probably list down a number of movies that I enjoy watching, but that list would pretty much be every movie I've seen since I was old enough to understand movies.

A movie I feel like watching at a moment depends on how I feel, what I've been doing, who I'm with and what time of the year it is. I'm actually very shallow when deciding whether a movie I watch is good or not.

If it's triggered any emotion of mine, it's great. 6:52 PM




Chrissie,

I know you might find it weird that I'm writing to you since I usually don't write at all, and if I do, it's only because it's absolutely necessary or I'm dying of boredom (and in this case, it's not because of that). Well, I don't really know how I'm going to say what I need to say, so I'm just going to come right out and tell you. I'm going to die tomorrow; this day is my last here on earth. Yeah. Weird, isn't it? I know this must come as a shock to you, and I'm sorry I have to say this in such a direct way, but I really can't think of any other way to let you know about this.

First of all, I want to say thank you for absolutely everything. Thanks for being the great listener that you are and thank you for being, not only a great sister, but also my best friend. Thanks for being the older sister sometimes (okay, most of the time), when you offer me advice and a shoulder to cry on. Thanks for also entrusting in me everything that goes on with you and thank you for making me an important part of your life. Thanks for all the fun times and memories. I've really shared most of my treasured moments in life with you, and I'm grateful that I always had you around not matter what.

I'm sorry for those times I release all my stress and anger on you. I'm sorry for taking you presence for granted. I'm sorry for not always being there for you the way you're always there for me. And I'm also sorry for sometimes forgetting to place you at the top of my priorities, where you really should be. I know that sometimes, I can be a really weird, pms-ing freak, and I thank you for always having to put up with that.

By the way, could you also take care of all my funeral stuff? All the songs I want played are already in that playlist the two of us made ages ago. I also want a lot of bright flowers (most especially sunflowers), and please do me the favor of making sure that everyone will be wearing bright, happy colors. I know that you're more of a black person, but please just do this special favor and wear a nice color like baby blue or yellow. Consider it a last request. Please also say bye to everyone for me (especially mom, dad, lola and Sabrina. Please make sure they're taken good care of and make sure that I love them very, very much). Also, I'm sure you know all my friends and everyone I'm close to. I don't really have much time to name all here, but I know you know who to say what to.

Another thing, please try not to cry. Please try to make everything as cheery as you possibly can. As we've talked about before, death isn't something to be afraid of. Death is something to embrace, and I am embracing it with all that I've got. I'm ready to let go and let God take care of me.

Chris, I never really got to tell or show you how important you really are to me, maybe because I always knew you'd be there, and so far, you haven't let me down. But I just have to say now that I love you so much. My life would have never been complete without you in it. No one will ever mean as much to me as you do.

Bye.

Ate :) 4:26 PM




IF YOU COULD ASK GOD JUST ONE QUESTION, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

To God: Will the people in hell suffer there for all eternity, or will You show Your mercy towards them, since what You want is for all men to be happy with You in heaven?

IF YOU COULD ASK A QUESTION TO ANYONE, DEAD OR ALIVE, WHO WOULD THAT PERSON BE AND WHAT WOULD YOU ASK THEM?

To Ludwig van Beethoven: How were you able to accomplish what you did, taking into consideration your disabilities? 11:00 PM




Interview with my Mom

1. What was the funniest thing I did when I was a baby?
"Well, when you were a baby, you loved laughing. One time, the night of your baptism, we lay you down on the bed to play for a while before sleeping and you just kept on laughing and laughing and laughing. We didn't know why, but you just kept laughing. And since you were really fat when you were a baby, with really long hair that always stood, you looked like some crazy little overweight scientist baby. It was the funniest thing we had ever seen. Your laughter seemed so uncontrollable."

2. What was my first word?
"Baba! For Babar, your favorite cartoon elephant! Everyday, when we were still living in the States, while I did the dishes in the morning, I'd just let you sit down in your playpen and let you watch Babar. I'd always say 'There's Babar, Abbey! There's Babar!' so I guess that's how it came to be your first word."

3. What was my first food/favorite food?
"Apple sauce. Definitely apple sauce. Even when you were still a small baby, you loved apple sauce, that's why you didn't like drinking your milk as much. You always looked for apple sauce. Even when you were old enough to eat more solid foods, mainly McDonalds, your love for apple sauce never died down. You even dipped your french fries and chicken nuggets in apple sauce. You really had weird taste in food."

4. What was the craziest thing you did when you were a student?
"When I was in high school, during one of my basketball games, my skirt ripped and i didn't have time to run home and get another one, so I used scotch tape and staple wires to hold it together for the rest of the game. I didn't care if anyone saw my skirt. We still won the game and that's what mattered."

5. How did you and dad meet?
"Ar work. At Colgate Palmolive. He was the boss of my boss, can you believe it?? It's okay. At least now, I'm his boss. Anyways, one time, my boss asked me to send up a report to him, and that's how we met. I didn't like him at first. Sitting in his big fancy office, ordering people around. But

6. If you could do anything other than what you are doing now, what would it be?
"I'd be working. Maybe as a practicing chemist-even if i don't like chemistry- or a manager. I don't know why. Managing people sounds like fun. A lot like managing kids. Except I can be bossier. I'd be really great at that."

7. Tell me a secret you kept from your parents.
"Abbey, do not judge me for this, but I tried smoking once. And I tell you, that was the dumbest thing I have ever done. And I don't think I did it properly. I think I inhaled too much smoke without exhaling it, got dizzy and almost passed out. Until now, your lola doesn't know about it, so don't tell her! And even if I did that does not give you permission to do the same thing! If you EVER try smoking, or doing anything that you know I wouldn't want you to do, then you know the consequences! I don't want you making the same mistakes I made! Abbey, ha! God is watching you!"

8. Tell me something about you that I still don't know.
"You know everything about me. There's nothing to tell." 9:08 PM




Who Am I?

Some people spend their entire lives lingering on that one question, wondering who they really are and what their purpose in life really is.

They spend hours and days and weeks and months and years searching for the answer to that question.

As far as I know, no one can really fully know who they are.

So, who am I?

I am a blade of grass among billions.

I am a light of joy when there is sadness.

I am time being wasted.

I am a wave tossed in the ocean.

I am rose caught in the thorns.

I am a shooting star lost in space.

I am a soundless sleep in this field of nightmares.

I am a vapor in the wind.

I am a song with no lyrics and no melody.

I am the voice of a thousand and one.

I am the color black in a rainbow.

I am an epilogue of a story.

I am a window to the past.

I am me.

Perfectly me.

Perfectly Abbey. 6:58 AM